Sinking the cinema experience
I’m a bit of a cinema buff – granted my taste in movies is somewhat appalling (Titanic, The Sound of Music, Etc…) and that I cry like a little girl when Jack Dawson dies – I still expect that when I pay my cinema ticket with the hard earned cash I so rightly deserve after spending hours on ends listening to kids murdering the English language, I get to sit down, dig into my pop-corn bucket and enjoy the show. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so!
When it comes to cinema etiquette, people seem to have lost the plot. I’m well aware that in today’s societies it is of the utmost importance to stay in touch with what’s happening in the world and that, thanks to our good friend Steve Jobs, we can do so 24/7 – whether we’re on the can, at a funeral or in the middle of having sex. Though I believe that on entering the sacred dark room (no, not the ones in Chueca!), you should switch the damn phone off!
As a teacher, I pride myself in being thorough when clarifying vocabulary so what does switching a device off mean?
Switching a device off, such as a mobile phone, does not mean, putting it on silence so that you can check your twitter account exactly when one of the boat’s chimney collapses and kills hundreds of passengers, making everyone in the cinema shiver but you and me – you because you were too busy spastically waving your thumbs around and me because I was temporarily blinded by the light emanating from your iPhone. Switching a phone off does not mean putting it on vibrate so that the entire row gets a massage when your mum texts you about dinner. Switching a phone off actually means pressing that little off-button, often found on top of the device, and for a ridiculous 120 minutes unplug, chill and most importantly: stop pissing everyone off (I.e. me!)
Don’t go anywhere! I’m not done yet.
For those of you, like myself, with a weak bladder that find themselves unable to stand a long period of time without rushing to the toilet, you’ll find that an alley seat is better suited to your condition therefore allowing you to quickly pop to the loo without making half of the cinema stand up. Don’t’ thank me – it’s called common sense!
As for you gaspers, criers and sobers united please feel free to do just that. Gasp, cry, sob, that’s what we’re there for. But shut the fuck up! I did not pay an outlandish 9€ plus refreshments to listen to you! Funnily enough, the truly thrilling tale of how your little brother peed his pants in PE today or how you got so drunk in Vistillas last week does not interest me - there is a boat sinking and people are dying, get some perspective for Christ’s sake!
Clap! Laugh! Burst in tears! But please do so at the appropriate time, in unison with everyone else. You’ll find that laughing your head off at the end of Titanic is blasphemous. And that if I had been allowed to bring a cricket bat in, I would have happily bashed your head in with it.
I hope this clears up any misunderstanding and that we can move forth in the future and enjoy civilised gatherings and most importantly avoid any bloodshed.
