Romance is dead Part I
Generations upon generations before us have struggled to end relationships. Saying the right words at the right time required careful planning that sometimes took weeks to put in place. But breaking up has evolved and thanks to new technologies, shattering someone’s heart has never been so easy: Simply log on, change your relationship status, unfriend the bastard and you’re done. It’s fast, painless and to the point. Thank you Facebook.
Having just been unfriended by my Yankee lover boy (well, after a week of Haagen-Dazs and countless reruns of SATC) I did what any queen would do: I trimmed my pubic hair, put on my sexy Calvin Klein underwear and hit the clubs.
Pulling is an art; sufficient eye contact is not enough. Much like a lion ready to devour a gazelle, you hide in the bushes, waiting patiently for the moment to strike. Choose your target well: He has to be alone, separated from the herd. He has to be in heat, fidgeting with his crouch, a drink in hand. Do not get noticed, bite your time; let the old and the ugly go forth, they’ll weaken his self-confidence rendering him defenceless and ripe for the picking. Then slither through the crowd, bump into him, graze his waist with your fingers, apologize and gaze into his eyes till his knees weaken. Unfortunately, the target I had just set my claws in started to laugh through his nose like a hiccupping chimpanzee and everybody turned around and stared, I left.
On leaving the club, I felt a hand clutching my arse. I quickly ran through all the possible scenarios in my head:
It’s an acne-covered Justin Bieber wannabe looking for a sugar daddy
It’s a bear which 99% of the time it is – this is Spain, after all.
It’s Ashton Kutcher – I have a weird thing for him, shoot me!
It was none of this above: it was my ex. Bambi eyes and roses in hand, he kneeled right there and then, held my hand and claimed his undying love for me (little reminder: he unfriended me a mere two weeks beforehand). Completely shell-shocked, I let him lure me back onto the dance floor. Out of nowhere, the music stopped and the lights went out. Some people booed, and others made out. I had no idea what was going on but I felt his hand letting go of mine. It was time to make a run for it. A single spotlight was turned on and there, centre stage, a microphone in hand, stood my ex. Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart started playing and he sang it to me. Everyone was stunned, mouths ajar and wishing they were me. I even saw a guy tearing up. I, on the other hand, wished I were dead. For those of you unfamiliar with this classic, here is how it goes: “Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes. Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart”
Being quite literal and as he kept repeating “turnaround” that’s exactly what I did, I turned around and I walked out.
