Pre-Fairy tells - Gulag Ep.3
July 29, 2007
What the Russians do better – well, so far anyway.
ONE – LESBIANS
They’ve taken over the entire city or so it seems. They’re everywhere. So many, sweet Jesus! So many of them! I remember an ad from the century past of a Jesus, standing arms open wide in the desert, surrounded by thousands of flying goldfish who kept repeating: ‘Goldfish. Everywhere’ Imagine me now, if you will, standing in that same exact position, there is no sand but a fairy tale castle (straight out of Disneyland) worldly known as the Kremlin, behind me and I’m looking around, dazed saying, unable to believe what is staring me in the face and I shout: ‘Lesbians. Everywhere’
In a city where there is one man for every ten women, no wonder why the lesbians have all made their way to this forsaken land, to them it must be like having found the Holy Grail. Quantity, you must be thinking, is never a sign of quality. However, in this specific case, it is. How can so many lesbians be wrong? Whether or not I have been hoodwinked, I don’t know, but these drop dead gorgeous creatures are doing something to me. What if Russia were to turn me straight or even worse what if it were to turn me into a lesbian?
TWO – HAIR
Do you remember that trend that died away a week or so after it appeared out of a worm hole of death? The same trend, so relished by American hillbillies and that had its heydays when David Beckham, on a day he was clearly not feeling well, left his house unchecked by his dear wife. Have you guessed it yet? I won’t ask from the drum rolls, I won’t keep you waiting any longer as I know you are currently wiggling your butt in your chair with excitement. THE MULLET, there I said it! From young children, to trendy students, classy waiters or even grown business men, the mullet is everywhere, about as present in this city as the lesbians are. And in case you were wondering, I ain’t planning on getting one. Not EVER.
THREE but not least – DRAGS
My first night out in a real gay club (I mean to say not a lesbian one) happened underground (where else?), I will spare you how we got there as it involved a lot of alleyways and two hours turning around unable to find the unmarked door that was to be our destination. On entering, I could hear Liza –Minnelli, you did get the reference, right? - in my head telling me that this time, maybe this time and I wanted it to be true. This time, maybe this time, this whole nightmare of a city will be behind me and it is going to be the beginning of a new era. An era full of cute boys and never-ending mind-blowing sex. My mind was blown, alright! But not by sex! By drag queens. The most talented bunch of drag queens I have ever had the chance to see on stage. Their forty five minute long spectacle was nothing short of genius. Looking impeccable, they danced and lip-synched their heart out from Kylie to Edith Piaf. I was gobsmacked. A cast of 10, took turns by groups of 2 or 3 or more and bedazzled us with their amazing dance routine and their countless, swift costume changes. Their superbly danced and brilliantly put together show did not belong in an underground gay club in the heart of Moscow but on one of Broadway's biggest stages. My camera in my pocket, I tried to take a few pictures but I was spotted by one of the club security bulldogs who leaped at me , grabbed my camera and my arms and marched me forcefully to the main entrance where he started shouting at my face in Russian. I didn’t understand a word of what he was saying but something was clear: taking pictures was not okay. And if I were to see my camera again, I’d better erase every single picture I had taken since entering their domain. I escaped unharmed and with my camera – it was a close shot but I did make it. I’ll resume their philosophy in a few words:
Pictures = Proof of homosexuality and deviance
Proof = Jail time for anyone seen on those pictures
Finally, as J.K Rowling disappointingly ends her Harry Potter saga, I will leave you with this (If you have not read the Deathly Hallows yet, turn away now!): And all was well!
Nine months to go…
